Homophone Horror

The other day as usual she was blabbering through the speaker of my old cell phone, which lay on the couch, while I was responding to certain Facebook messages. I made sure to pay the least possible bit of my attention to her drivel. At some instant I heard her say, peruse. My heart lost a beat, “do you mean pursue!” I exclaimed. Instead of typing in a reply for poor Rahul’s detailed description of his newly acquired IPhone, I grabbed my phone. At last I had found an error, I had barely realized my grin before I heard a blast from the other end.

“No! I meant peruse, spelt P-E-R-U-S-E, it means to examine in detail. Don't you know this?”

I slapped my temple, ‘why the hell did I have to speak’, I cursed myself.

“How could you confuse ‘peruse’ with ‘pursue’” she continued, apparently indifferent to my current state of mind.” Peruse and pursue are not even homophones. Are you listening!” another blast, and I knew it was one of those junctures when God was thoroughly enjoying my lack of options.

“Ahem yes, you were talking about phones.” I said rather meekly.

A loud grumph ….. from the other end announced the impending tsunami.

“HOMOPHONE not phone or telephone or gramophone”, I could sense the supercilious tone going higher and higher while my guilt dug deeper and deeper into my heart.   

“Why could you not have said a simple ‘Yes’.”, my heart and brain seemed to question my tongue in a rare unison.

“Homophone” , my phone rattled, “is a term used to describe each of two or more word that have the same pronunciation but different meanings, spellings or origins. For example hour and our, new and knew.”

“This is not new, I knew it.” Inimical to my interruption, she continued.

“When I say I play with my ches(C-H-E-S) I do not mean I play chess(C-H-E-S-S); nor do I shoot(S-H-O-O-T) when I slide down a chute(C-H-U-T-E). Cherry(C-H-E-R-R-Y) is not being used as a metaphor when someone says she is chary of people who drink Chablis(C-H-A-B-L-I-S) shabbily(S-H-A-B-B-I-L-Y). you should understand that mean(M-E-A-N, adjective) people mean(M-E-A-N, verb) no good and that tear(T-E-A-R, noun) cannot tear(T-E-A-R, verb).”

“Talking of tear, you know, a woman’s handbag ripped off against a nail in the bus.” Thanking all the gods whom I could remember for the sudden change in topic, I chose to remain silent.

“Her bag” she continued”was a wonderful one, and the way she was flaunting it. It is good that the bag ripped. The way she was cuddling against the soft chambray…”

“you know” I interrupted” It is a ‘sham’ to ‘bray’ when you are not a donkey.”

 Goodness me, I dared to tease a girl; the next one hour I spent listening to the traditional respect commanded by women right from Vedic India to Victorian Dinner tables.